The Movie Empress

Final score:  The Empress, 11 ; The Academy, 13.  But the Empress was far more entertaining, even if she does say it herself.  Good night!

A much better speech from the producer of Slumdog Millionaire than James Cameron's "I'm the king of the world!"

I rather like the blending of sceens from earlier nominated films with today's nominees.  it gives a kind of historic framework that I appreciate.

The Princess Bride is as lovely as she ever was. 

Commie, homo-loving sons of guns.  Good speech.  But your marriage will last longer if you thank your wife.

As much as I appreciated Robert De Niro's assessment....

If you ask me, the amazing thing about Sean Penn's Harvey Milk is that Sean does not seem to have any sense of humor whatsoever.

I quite like Kate Winslet's father's hat. 

It was great of Nicole Kidman to shelter some orphaned emu chicks from the Australian bush fire right there in her bra.

I am liking the crazy Frenchwoman's dress.  Halle Berry's?  Not so much.

Anne Hathaway's reaction to Shirley MacLaine was wonderful.

Apparently Danny Boyle has also succumbed to the power of the Curtain.

As she walked on, I was all set to love Reese Witherspoon's dress -- a proper numer of sleeves! -- but then I got a close-up of the top.  TOO MUCH GOING ON.

The memorium segment would be better without the vertigo-inducing camera angles. 

TV Announcer:  "When we come back, who will win best actor and actress?"

The Royal Consort:  "Wasn't that, like, two days ago?"

The foreign language film winner's speech was adorable.

If Frida Pinto's dress had one more or one less sleeve, I would think it was beautiful.

There's an ardent discussion going on around these parts.  Are these the worst Oscars ever, as they are so stultifyingly bad, or is the fact that they are so creatively, so fascinatingly bad bring them up to a level of greatness? 

The Grand Vizier:  "Is it too late to have Will Smith take over for the rest of the evening?"

They've been called superheroes...

"And not just by their mamas.  Industry leaders say it, too."  *snort*

Bill Maher is a pompous ass and not an actor.  Why is he even up there?

The chandeliers are also quite lovely.  As is the festive screen behind Bill Maher.

The emeralds that Jolie is wearing would look very nice on MY hands and ears. 

I believe Bill Maher is wearing a leather suit.  That's elegant.

Heath Ledger's sister wore a very pretty dress.

Heath Ledger's family gave a very elegant and moving speech.

Re: PSH's headgear:  on second glance, I believe that's more of a stretched-out beret than a ski hat.

You know, I used to love Baz Luhrmann. 

The Royal Consort just said, "I want Debbie Allen back."  And I AGREE.  I'm longing for Jerry Lewis now.

The Grand Vizier says, "It's a sad comment that the highlight of the evening will probably come down to a race between the Curtain and the Judd Apatow short."

Okay, the Empress is a huge musical fan, but even she is having trouble understanding this exercise in Beyonce-nation.  They do this, and they cut off winners during their speeches.

I'm ashamed to admit how funny I found the Pineapple Express movie-watching montage.

The Grand Vizier says, "Fewer awards, more curtain.  That's my plan for the 82nd Academy Awards."

Frankly, I like Tilda Swinton's sack better than Jessica Biel's.    

I think I will not be here when they honor Jerry Lewis.  I think that I will be having a snack.

At first, I liked the pink dress, but Natalie Portman's twinkling underboob makes it look like she has eyes under there. 

The cinematographer's wife has the most gorgeous upsweep.

On the one hand, the Joaquin Phoenix send up is pretty damn funny.  on the other hand, I think Ben Stiller's next movie will come out fuzzy and dark, because the cinematographers are going to be PISSED.

In real life, the Movie Empress is a librarian, and even she is horrified to be watching a series of montages about genres.

I think that, overall, the Daniel Craig/Sarah Jessica Parker segment is going well, and is informative and interesting, with no cringe-inducing "banter."  And Sarah Jessica's outfit is very Old Hollywood, and went well with Daniel's classic tux.

I think they should give each winner 45 seconds, particularly when they spend so much time on filler.

I'm now imagining that I'm wearing that dress and cuddling up to James Bond.  I'll be back in a bit.

"The Curtain!  The Curtain is the Star!"

-The Grand Vizier

We're seeing more of the animated pictures than we're seeing of the performances of the nominated actors.

Stilted dialogue.  What a treat.

If a dress makes Jennifer Aniston look chubby, can you IMAGINE what it could do for you?  Or me?  Or your cat?

Dustin Lance Black gave a truly beautiful speech full of real meaning.

The Empress' mother --  The Grand Empress --- observes that it's a good thing that Tom Cruise didn't marry Penelope Cruz, as he would now have to divorce her for winning an Oscar.

The Martin/Fey thing was funny enough, but if we have that much lead-up to every category then we're going to be here ten years from now.

The Royal Consort observes that the voice-over saying how many times a person has been nominated.

TINA FEY GET A REAL MOTHERFUCKING HAIRDO.  A SIDE PONYTAIL YOU PULLED INTO A CRAPPY HALF BUN IS NOT A REAL HAIRDO.  I HAVE TO GO SPLASH WATER ON MY FACE NOW.

I'm holding out hope that Penelope Cruz will thank Salma Hayek, and her dream.

The Royal Consort says that Tilda Swinton looks like she dressed out of the extras closet for Star Wars.

I like the bubbles in the background during the speech.

I'm sure that the new format is very moving for the nominees themselves, but it absolutely stops an already slow-moving behemoth in its tracks.

I think Whoopi Goldberg is channeling Diablo Cody from last year.  Hopefully with fewer crotch-shots.

Much as I like seeing more dresses up close, I would prefer to SEE the performance than hear it described.

If they do this for all the awards, it's going to take YEARS for the show to end. 

Holy shit, Tilda does NOT disappoint.

I always like the lines nobody else likes -- accusing Meryl Streep of being on steroids was genius.

No, really.  A motherfucking SKI CAP.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is wearing a SKI CAP. 

I'm kind of liking the musical number, but I still retain my loyalty to Billy Crystal.    

I would have liked to see him carry Frank Langella up the stairs.

Clearly, the Empress needs a Swarovski crystal curtain for her own castle.